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Of Holding On and Letting Go

Of Holding On Or Letting Go

Three years back, it was summer when they decided to part ways as amicably as they could. Sitting across him in their favorite restaurant, she looked him in the eye and promised she will not call anymore. Overwhelmed with emotions, she looked away, determined to walk away she held his hand that one last time and left. That was it.

She broke her resolve a week later when she picked the phone to dial his number in the middle of the night. It went unanswered. Minutes later she received a text saying if they talked they’ll never be able to part ways, and if they are to talk does she intend to get back together? She typed a reply she never sent. That ended the communication, then and there. It was as if a natural cycle had come to a sudden, abrupt end. She felt incomplete, but she was strong enough to wither through hard times that lay ahead.

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

In her case love came fast and never left. He never left her heart. Months after the breakup dressed in ethnic wear she found herself in a room with two families. She knew one family not the other one; sadly both families didn’t know her. She looked each one of them in the eye, searching for her true self. Each of those reflection meant nothing; nobody knew her true self as she would’ve liked to be known. She felt abandoned.

A year and two months after the breakup she finally got over him, as it seemed. What occupied her mind most of the time now became rare. The prominence of thoughts around him in her mind declined, the healer was time. She was almost at peace. The struggle of day to day life took over and as it turned out she was to get married in a month’s time.

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

A year and three months after breakup standing in front of a giant mirror, surrounded by friends she’s dressed as a bride. Hours later she’s supposed to share the bed with this nice guy, who she realized after a month of courtship she is incapable of loving. She gets ready for the ceremony while her thoughts wander down the memory lane taking her back and forth from the past to present.

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

A year after marriage, she has everything that makes other people perceive her to be happy. Deep down, under the false facade of her beautiful wide smile, she is deeply sad. But nobody can tell.

A fine Sunday morning she receives a call from a close friend. To her dismay she’s told that the guy she once loved hasn’t married yet, plans to stay single and is doing reasonably well with his life. She keeps the phone, sipping coffee in the comfort of her lavish house her mind begins to contemplate possibilities.

Thinking for some time brings her to the reason for their breakup. They broke up because their parents wouldn’t have agreed, he had a loan to repay, a year to graduate, a sister to be married. All it required was waiting, which they thought could be inordinate and hence the breakup.

She loved him when they broke-up, she loved him then, and she loved him now even after being married. It was always there in the hearts of her heart. She would silently think about him, smothered by the bonds of family and then marriage. And now the knowledge of the guy’s wait for her pierced through her heart.

While still in the living room, she looks at the home theatre system, Italian sofa set, Chinese artworks on the wall and all the luxuries of the life she leads. Possessing all these amounts to nothing, she would happily give up everything just to be with the love of her life.

She doesn’t know whether this is the right thing to do or not. But in this moment of realization, she picks up the phone to text him back after three years to their breakup. He calls back.

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